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Perspectives on
Discipline: Does Spanking Really Have a Role?
Part I
By
Dr. Robert Brooks
www.drrobertbrooks.com
Many of the questions I receive in my parenting workshops, in my
clinical practice, and in e-mails concern the topic of discipline. The
importance of this topic is reflected in the large number of books and
magazine articles advising parents of the most effective ways to
discipline their children. In reaction to displays of aggression in
society, law enforcement officials as well as politicians will
frequently provide their own opinions on disciplinary approaches.
Not surprisingly, the suggestions offered by child development
specialists about discipline represent a wide spectrum of views, many
of which seem to contradict each other. As a parent noted in one of my
workshops, "The more I read, the more confused I become about
discipline." I can understand why. I recently read two articles by
child specialists, one of whom advocated parents using timeout, while
another questioned the efficacy of that practice.
There are many different aspects about discipline that I have been
discussing for years. Interestingly, in the last few months I have
noticed an increase in the number of questions pertaining to corporal
punishment or spanking. One father said that he read that "if kids
don’t listen, a spanking can serve a useful function." This father
added, "The article said that spanking was okay as long as the parent
did not lose control and hurt the child." But then he wondered, "Do
young kids know when parents have lost control when they are
spanking?" A mother in the group noted that she had read that spanking
should never be used. It is little wonder that parents get confused.
So with trepidation as one more child development expert, I am ready
to offer some observations and advice about discipline. Obviously,
while a number of readers may disagree with my views, it is my hope
that what I have to say will generate reflection and discussion about
this important topic. I would like to share in this and my next couple
of newsletters my thoughts about discipline, including what are its
main goals in raising and teaching children and how best to reach
these goals. Given the obvious interest in the question of spanking, I
will devote this column to examining this particular disciplinary
practice. Future columns will address what I consider to be more
effective forms of discipline. A few preliminary thoughts about
discipline are in order.
First, a reminder about the meaning of discipline. We must not forget
that the word discipline stems from the word disciple and is best
conceived of as a teaching process. As a form of education, discipline
should not be linked to so-called teaching practices that serve to
humiliate, scare, or embarrass children.
Second, at my workshops for parents, teachers, and other caregivers, I
pose the question, "What are the main functions of discipline?" or
worded somewhat differently, "If discipline is an educational process,
what is it that we are attempting to teach?" The initial answer I
typically receive is that discipline serves to ensure a safe and
secure environment in which children not only learn the importance of
rules, limits, and consequences but they also appreciate the reasons
that rules and limits exist. This is certainly a very important goal
of discipline.
What I consider to be another major function of discipline is to
reinforce the development of self-discipline or self-control. Daniel
Goleman, author of "Emotional Intelligence," views self-discipline as
one of the crucial components of emotional intelligence, a component
that serves as a source of satisfying interpersonal relationships and
success in various facets of one’s life. Self-discipline implies that
a child has incorporated rules so that even when a parent or other
adult is not present, the child will act in a thoughtful, considerate
fashion. Self-discipline may be viewed as learning to take
responsibility for one’s own behavior. Most of us do not want to be
with other adults who lack self-discipline and are constantly yelling,
shouting, saying hurtful things, jumping to conclusions, or blaming
others.
These major functions of discipline challenge us to implement
disciplinary practices that nurture self-control rather than eliciting
feelings of anger and resentment in children. Let’s examine spanking
from this perspective. I am especially influenced by the ideas and
writings of a friend, Nancy Samalin, a renowned parent educator who is
one of the foremost experts on the subject of discipline and the
author of the book, "Loving Your Child Is Not Enough." In the
February, 2001 issue of Sesame Street Parents Magazine, Nancy,
together with editor Susan Lapinski, wrote a very thoughtful and
thought-provoking article titled, "The Spanking Report."
They note, "The child who gets an occasional swat across the bottom
when the parents regretfully lose control is not the child most
professionals worry about. It’s when spanking becomes a habit that a
child–and his family–may be at risk. And spanking is a habit for a
majority of American families, according to the results of a study of
3,000 adults last summer by pollster Daniel Yankelovich. The study
revealed that 61 percent of the adults who responded condone spanking
as a regular form of punishment."
Nancy and Susan quote Murray Straus, Ph.D., founder and co-director of
the Family Research Lab at the University of New Hampshire in Durham
and the author of a book about spanking, "Beating the Devil Out of
Them." Dr. Straus observes, "In the last three years, we’ve had a
revolution in our state of knowledge about spanking and violence.
Spanking increases the probability of kids hitting other kids. It
often leads to antisocial behavior like cheating and getting into
trouble at school. When they are teenagers, these children are more
likely to hit their parents. When they grow up, kids who have been
spanked are more likely to hit their partners than kids who haven’t."
Similarly, in the 1980’s psychologists Malcolm Watson and Ying Peng at
Brandeis University found that children who displayed the most
aggressive behavior toward other children were those who were spanked
most often by their parents. The more spanking youngsters received at
home, the more likely they were to hit their peers. Thus, it appears
that not only is spanking an ineffective disciplinary practice but it
actually may increase the very behaviors that parents wish their
children to stop.
Some may argue that spanking did not increase aggressive behavior in
the children observed in these studies but that they were more likely
to be spanked because they were already very aggressive. Certainly, as
I discussed in my newsletters last year about children with so-called
"difficult" temperaments (please see the April, May, and June, 2000
newsletters), some children from birth may be more predisposed to
becoming more frustrated and angry than their peers. These children
quickly express their frustrations through aggressive behavior and are
more likely to "invite" spanking as a way of curbing their misbehavior.
I would argue that while the style of some youngsters does elicit more
anger in parents, to respond by spanking serves to reinforce the
message that the way we handle frustration is through physical force.
Many, if not all, of us have witnessed a parent slapping a child and
saying, "I told you that you shouldn’t hit your brother/sister! This
is what you get when you do so." What a mixed message of what is
appropriate behavior!
Before I continue, I would not want parents who have ever spanked
their child to feel that I am criticizing them or begin to experience
a twinge of guilt (or perhaps more than a twinge). I should note that
many loving parents have at some point spanked their child even if it
involved only one quick slap. Doing so doesn’t mean we are terrible
parents but rather should prompt us to find better ways to teach our
children than through spankings. I can count on one hand the number of
times I hit my sons on their rear end and quite honestly, I think that
the only thing it accomplished in the short term was for me to release
some frustration; however, afterwards I felt even worse. I should
emphasize that I quickly realized that spanking accomplished nothing
positive in the short or long term and was soon abandoned as a
disciplinary tactic.
Obviously if the basic climate in a home is positive, if children feel
loved and accepted, one spanking is not going to do irreparable harm.
However, I believe that when parents find themselves spanking a child,
they must ask what are the other ways they can teach children right
from wrong and hold children accountable for their actions. I am not
advocating that there should not be consequences for children’s
behavior, but rather that spanking should not be one of these
consequences. Parents must remember that if their main form of
discipline is corporal punishment then any existing positive climate
at home may soon be replaced by a tense, angry atmosphere that leads
to an erosion of the parent-child relationship.
In my clinical practice and workshops I have asked parents what
prompted them to spank their child. A number of well-meaning parents
have said that they just didn’t know what else to do. One parent said,
"If people would have told me before I had children that I would
resort to hitting my child, I would have looked at them in disbelief.
But sometimes I get so angry and nothing else seems to work. When I
hit him, he stops his behavior. Also, I’m not out of control when I do
it."
Thus, some parents may spank out of frustration, feeling they have
exhausted all other disciplinary techniques. However, others use
spanking as their first "line of attack" believing it is the most
effective and quickest way to teach children right from wrong. Even
those who resort to spanking only after they feel that all other
consequences have failed have said, "I hated to spank my child but
when I did it worked."
But does it work, especially if spanking is used repeatedly? I believe
that the use of spanking has a seductive quality in that it seems to
work by producing the desired results; for example, the child either
stops a behavior that the parent wants to see stopped (throwing a ball
in the living room) or prompts the child to do something the parent
has requested over and over (putting away toys). However, in my
experience these immediate results are often short-lived or
counterproductive. Children may stop the behavior in question but at
the cost of developing a great deal of anger and resentment. Some
children may feel intimidated and "comply" with their parents’ demands
at home but as the research shows they may take out their anger
towards others outside the home. Also, when these children become as
big as their parents they may direct their anger directly and
intensely at their parents.
The argument that it is okay to spank since "my child knows I have not
lost control" must also be challenged. While parents may feel in
control, I have spoken with many youngsters in my clinical practice
who do not perceive it that way. Some have told me that they worry
that their parents may hurt them; many parents were surprised to hear
this.
When I mentioned this worry at one of my workshops, a father asked,
"Is there anything wrong if a child is scared he will get hit if it
leads him to behave and to do what he is told?" I believe there are
problems. If a child’s compliance comes at the expense of a more
comfortable parent-child relationship, one must question the
disciplinary approach. Relatedly, I have been impressed over the years
by the number of youngsters who are so upset and angry about being hit
that they often lose sight of what prompted the parents to hit them.
Instead of developing self-discipline, which is one of the main goals
of disciplining children, they developed what I call a "reservoir of
anger or self-hatred."
One of the most important roles we have as parents, teachers, and
other caregivers is that of a disciplinarian. If we keep in mind that
discipline is a teaching process that should be free of intimidation
or humiliation and if we recognize the importance of raising children
who understand why there are rules, limits, and consequences, who
develop self-discipline or self-control, and who accept responsibility
for their behavior, then the use of spanking will take a back seat or
disappear as a disciplinary technique.
Before ending I want to discuss briefly what one child described as
"spanking with words." This child was referring to harsh comments made
by his parents that were just as hurtful as being spanked. The
comments included, "What a stupid thing to do!" "Do you ever use your
brains?" "Are you that dumb?" As I have discussed in the past, empathy
should guide our interactions with our children including our
disciplinary practices. We should ask, "Would we want anyone to say
and do things to us what we are saying and doing to our children? If
someone treated us the way we are treating our children would we truly
learn from them or would we resent them?" We should consider these
questions as we discipline our children.
If we are to be disciplinarians in the true and positive sense of the
word, what is it that we might do to nurture self-control,
responsibility, accountability, and compassion in our children
without in any way lessening their self-worth and dignity?
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