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The Parent Coach:
Helping The Impulsive Child
Dr. Steven Richfield
www.parentcoachcards.com
A parent writes, "I'm becoming increasingly worried about our twelve
year old son's problems with impulsivity. I don't think he would ever
hurt anyone on purpose but he's very big and strong for his age, and he
has ADHD. He can sound, and even act, very threatening at times. What
should I do about it?"
Childhood impulsivity appears in decisions, actions, and statements. It
can be compared to a chemical accelerant that speeds up reactions to
events. It is stored up and lives in a dormant form until something in
the outside environment strikes. This can be thought as the precipitant
or trigger. Once the precipitant arrives on the scene, there may be
breakthrough in the form of aggressive actions, such as throwing a shoe,
or hostile comments, such as belittling a family member. In the midst of
such a breakthrough there is little room for the voice of reason to be
heard.
Impulsivity narrows a child's perceptions, making it difficult for them
to see the "big picture." It acts as a blindfold with a tiny hole in it.
So much is blocked out except for the small space afforded by the hole.
One can think of that small space as the strong feelings that block out
everything else. When I explain this concept to kids, I ask them to
remember a time when they felt so angry that they "couldn't see" how
their behaviour was going to lead to consequences. I also emphasize the
triggers and causes to such "blindfold behaviours," such as a critical
teacher, refusal of their request by a parent, or the annoyance of a
younger sibling. In these cases, wounded pride and difficulty tolerating
frustration are the causes. This is an important distinction because
kids would rather see the trigger as the cause, and therefore, blame the
teacher, parent, or sibling, i.e. "It's the teacher's fault. If she
didn't say that about my report, I wouldn't have told her to shut up."
Consider these coaching tips when approaching a child with impulsivity
problems:
1. Avoid placing yourself in a power struggle with an impulsive child.
Remember that impulsivity is like energy waiting for a catalyst (kind of
like a landmine)- don't make yourself the catalyst! Approach in a
non-punitive, non-threatening, and non-adversarial manner. Try not to get
into an "either/or" situation where you issue a request and immediately
follow it up with the threat of a consequence. Don't get lulled into the
belief that the harsher you sound the more they will comply; often
times, it's just the opposite. Parents get stuck defending angry and
arbitrary positions, such as "You either sit down and listen to me or
you're grounded for the week.!"
2. Give them room for healthy impulse discharge when they need it.
One of
the ways that kids burn off their impulsivity is through physical
activity, listening to music, playing video games, walking out of the
house when you are trying to have a conversation with them, and so on.
Sometimes this can prevent a meltdown and preserve a channel of
communication once they return. Try not to interfere with their access
to these routes especially when you pick up signs of imminent impulse
breakthrough.
3. The underlying issues are one of the keys to helping them control their
impulsivity.
As their world becomes more demanding, children experience
more pressure and potential for impulsivity. Many times impulse
breakthrough follows a distinct pattern. Take note of these patterns and
gently bring it to their attention. Suggest that they can take several
deep breaths, give themselves time to cool down, or use relaxation
exercises when they feel their impulses building.
4. Listen careful and offer a little advice:
Most kids don't have patience for long and involved explanations about
themselves. Parents must strive to make sense out of their impulsive
behaviour without sounding like a know-it-all. No matter how ill-advised
or irrational the behaviour, there is some rational thread embedded in
the story. Our job is to listen carefully, find the thread, and make our
child aware of it in a non-threatening manner. The more that we can
designate the steps that lead to their acting out, the more able they
will be to see it coming, and take preventive action before the point of
no return.
Dr. Steven Richfield is a child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA.
His column appears monthly. He can be contacted at www.parentcoachcards.com
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